“Your brain got you into this mess, so why would you use it to get you out of this mess – try walking, skipping or smiling instead” - Steve Aguirre
At a Leadership Event, Steve talked about how our brains often get us into trouble – we overanalyze, we catastrophize, we try to predict the future. Then, we try to use our brain to rationalize ourselves out of the trouble our brain just got us into. Throughout the blog, we’ve talked about ways to shift your mindset to calm these thoughts, but sometimes we’re too exhausted or have dug ourselves in a bit too deep for these tactics to work in the moment.
In those cases, there is an easy solve – focus on the body! At the event, Steve had us shake hands with others, smile at others, hug others and skip around the room. No matter what mood everyone came into the room with, we were all smiling by the end of this exercise. Steve said that it’s physically impossible to be sad while skipping – I haven’t thoroughly reviewed the scientific literature, but I’m going to take his word for it.
I’ve been trying to incorporate this lesson into my life by taking more walking breaks as a way to address challenges. It’s always the case that when I feel like I don’t have time to take a walking break that the walking break is the utmost important.
“The most powerful form of hard work is thinking clearly. Designing a winning strategy may not look very active, but make no mistake: it’s very hard work” – James Clear
When I initially reflected on 2019, I got down on myself. I felt like I hadn’t accomplished much - there were few new shinny objects to point to.
But when I looked closer at the year, I realized that I’ve started putting processes in place to help me live my best life — I’ve learned how to have difficult conversations with co-workers and friends to build deeper connections, I’ve learned how to write and communicate better to express my thoughts and I’ve learned how to allocate my time better so that I am not constantly exhausted. While these improvements are helping me design a long-term winning strategy, they are more difficult to detect and therefore, more difficult to celebrate.
While none of these processes have led to shinny trophies in 2019, the compounding of these processes over many years will ultimately lead to the outcomes that I want. By shifting my mindset to focus on how I’ve learned to think more clearly (process) instead of evaluating the number of shinny objects I have (outcomes), I was able to more clearly see my accomplishments over the past year.
“The very best are usually great at many things because they translate mastery from one category to another” – Ramit Sethi
The media constantly bombards us with propaganda that if you’re good at one aspect of your life (e.g., your job), you’re lacking in others (e.g., relationships, hobbies) because you don’t have time to invest in these other parts of your life. And while time is limited and our most precious resource, many things in life require the same processes.
-If you are a good manager, you will be a good parent because you know how to motivate people, coach them and give them a leash to explore, but not totally go off the rails
-If you are a good listener with your friends, you will excel in your career because you will have the patience to listen to the stakeholders and solve the right problem
-If you are good at managing your work schedule, you will be good at coordinating other aspects of your life
-If you are disciplined with maintaining a budget at work, you will be able to effectively budget in your personal life
-If you know how to ask for what you want in a romantic relationship, you will be able to leverage these skills to ask for a promotion
James Clear (previous quote) and Ramit Sethi (this quote) remind me to focus more on developing replicatable processes to craft a well-rounded fulfilling life.
“Closure is an extraordinary compelling fantasy of mourning: it is the fiction we can love, lose suffer and then do something to permanently end our sorrow” – The Examined Life
Everyone experiences pain – whether it’s the death of a friend or family member, loss of a romantic partner or friendship, passing of a previous part of your identity (e.g., I sometimes mourn the old Nicole who went to Tone House 5x a week and let nothing get in the way of her workouts).
We tell ourselves – “okay after a year, I’ll have fully suffered and I’ll end up on the other-side and never think about this again” …. wouldn’t that be nice.
A scent, a picture, a song, a memory, will bring back the pain of these events. These people and former versions of ourselves will always be with us and we will never fully overcome this sorrow, but we can learn to manage better.
“Stop focusing on this and focus on that” – Amanda Bisk, my Active Escape Coach in Bali
During my Bali fitness retreat, Amanda would always tell us to get out of our head (“this”) and focus on our surroundings (“that”). During workouts, it was easy to have blinders on and be engrossed in how hard the workout was, how hot Bali was and how stuff from home was still lingering in my mind. However, once I looked around, I was able to have more perspective. I remember seeing (1) the Bali ocean, (2) my teammates working out hard and (3) Amanda cheering us all on. These images allowed me to:
(1) Be more grateful that I was physically and financially able to attend the retreat in beautiful Bali
(2) Be inspired by my fitness teammates who were also challenging themselves with the workout, which gave me inspiration to continue with the workout; it reminded me that we aren’t in this alone
(3) Be okay that I wasn’t going to solve any problems in America from Bali, especially those related to other people. I would have to wait until I was back home and could talk to the other person involved.
Tomorrow, instead of automatically going through the motions of your commute, look up and around; I think you’ll find it helps provide perspective.
“The nature of life is change; the nature of humans is to resist change” - Elizabeth Lesser
As someone who loves stability, I try and hold onto everything and want it to stay the same – in terms of my job, my friends, my workout routine and my lunch (thank you JustSalad for over 150 lunches in 2019!).
Throughout the year, I found myself wishing that I could return to January and February 2019, a time that I have idolized in my mind as being so care free. However, since February 2019, life circumstances changed related to my work, my family, my friends and my physical body, which have forced my actions to evolve.
I have started on the journey of learning how to accept that everything in life is just a phase and that nothing will stay the same forever. It helps make bad things easier - being busy at work will eventually end, the sorrows of a break-up will eventually subside and the tension with your family will eventually pass. It also helps you enjoy good things more and be grateful for them.
In 2020, I am looking to lean into change more - so if we grab lunch together, don’t let me convince to you to go to JustSalad!
“If you are waiting for someone or something, you are doing it wrong” - How To Get Sh*t Done
So many times we are waiting for someone to validate us in order to go after what we want in our careers, relationships, etc. How many times have you heard … “Once I get that promotion, once I get that degree, once I look at certain way, once I run the race, once I ….”
I always walk into the new year reminding myself that my life is up to me. It’s scary to take accountability – you have to make decisions and you might make the wrong decision or people might not be supportive of your decision. It’s much easier to say you have to wait for external approvals and therefore, you don’t have to take accountability for your life.
I often fear getting off the typical “successful” path of Penn, Consulting, Private Equity, but at the end of the day, I know I want to start my own company and I need to chase that dream, instead of saying I need to achieve X, Y and Z milestones before I can get there.
You don’t need anything but your own conviction to get the life you want!
“When you get on a flight, you assume you’ll end up in the right location; do the same with your life” – Dan, random guy I met at the airport
Despite what we’re told as little children, I love talking to strangers. You can learn so much from people with different perspectives because we tend to surround ourselves with people who are just like us.
While I was at the airport waiting to fly to Bali, I started talking with Dan, who was headed to the Maldives for a wedding. He was talking about how he was planning on quitting his job 2 months later, but then over the summer, decided he couldn’t take it anymore and needed time to reflect. He’s done numerous prototyping conversations and determined he wants to do operations at a financial services company, but didn’t think he wanted that going into the prototyping conversations. He’s been interviewing and not getting the desired responses, but he was still optimistic.
He told me “When you get on this flight, you’re assuming you’re going to end up in Bali. You have to assume the same with your life – you have to assume you’ll get to where you want.” It made me think about all the time in life I spend thinking about how I am not going to get to my desired destination, in terms of relationships, career, self-confidence. Imagine what we could achieve if we funneled this energy into positive thoughts about our long-term destination.
Every time something doesn’t go according to plan, I have been reminding myself that it’s part of the process and that I will ultimately end up in the right destination.
“People Change People” - Me
Yes – I am including a quote from myself on my favorite quotes of the year!
When I asked people about their resolutions, I often heard: “I want to be more self-confident”, “I want to change jobs or start a company”, “I want to meet my significant other”, “I want to explore my creative side more”. If you want these changes, you need to surround yourself with the right people - you cannot achieve these things by yourself in a vacuum.
Self-Confidence: How is it that it is so easy to see the potential and strengths of other people, but we get so down on ourselves at times? When I’m down, having friends who will empathetically listen to me and support me helps me work through it. Also, this year, I have made friends who are more confident in themselves and this energy has rubbed off on me. Having the right tribe provides support and inspiration to love myself more.
New Job or Start a Company: Many people get their jobs through weak ties - acquaintances who are in your network. I talked to someone at the gym and he ultimately helped me get an interview at the company I currently work at. Instead of spending time on job board sites, spend time reconnecting with people who can put in a good word for you at their company. Although I haven’t started a company, I have grown Women’s Brunch, a quarterly event I host to connect women. I’ve found that talking to different types of people in different industries helps me get feedback and new ideas to refine the Women’s Brunch concept going forward. Getting the support and perspectives of others will help propel your career success.
Significant Other: One of the best things I did in 2019 was go on dates with a bunch of different men - one was a song writer, one did stand-up comedy on the side, one was from Turkey, etc.. Exposing myself to all these different types of men helped me get a clearer sense of what I want in a significant other and it’s completely different than what I thought I wanted. Meeting different types of people helps you get perspective on what values are actually very important to you instead of what you think is important to you.
My Creative Side: If you want to take up a hobby (e.g., explore your creative side, learn how to rock climb, learn how to cook), find a buddy to do it with who will hold you accountable. A study found that when we are with friends, we view challenges as less scary.
In the study, when asked to climb a hill, students who were standing next to a friend thought the hill looked easier to climb and gave lower estimates of the steepness compared to being alone. The longer the two friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.
You don’t have to tackle new things alone - bring a friend along for the journey. Not only will it seem less scary, but it will help you stay committed and help you two build a deeper connection.
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Overall, I hope that in 2020, you meet people and deepen relationships with people who support you, encourage you and open your eyes to new perspectives to help you achieve your goals. And that you can do the same for them!
These quotes, taken together with my experience, I am committing to 2020 as the “Year of Process” -thinking about all the processes I can develop to live my “best, well-rounded life” – figuring out the process to improve my response to change, my relationships, my fitness, my work product, my self-compassion, my sleeping routine and my sources of fun.
What are you committing to in 2020? If you are still stuck, you can use the below materials to aid your goal setting. If you want help, e-mail me and we can set up a time to discuss!
Until next time,
Nicole