“Other people provide a benchmark to help us figure out where we are in the world and how we fit in”

– Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer (Friend & Foe)

In the past posts, we’ve discussed how to build deeper, loving relationships with others. But there are other types of relationship – those in which you compete with others and those in which there is a power imbalance. These relationships are defined by social comparisons and are the topic of today’s post.

It’s all relative

Some of my favorite studies on social comparisons that you can discuss at your next dinner party are:

• 25% of husbands have to buy a new wardrobe to accommodate their “paternity weight”

• Graduates from a recession period make as much as 15% less than someone who graduated before or after the recession, but were actually happier with their jobs than those who entered the workforce during a period of economic expansion

• When a team is trailing by one point at halftime, they are actually more likely to win than the team that is ahead

The outcomes of these studies are driven by social comparison. The direction of comparison – whether it’s upwards to someone who outperforms us or downwards towards someone who we feel superior to – will impact how we feel and behave. When we engage in upward comparison, we feel worse, but it can motivate us to strive harder. Downward comparison makes us feel good, but it can also lead to complacency. The above studies represent a mix of upward and downward comparisons.

Putting this into practice

Select comparisons based on how you’re feeling:

If you’ve been feeling down recently, it may be helpful to engage in downward comparison – thinking about all the people you are more fortunate than, will make you feel better (this is why gratitude journals have taken off!). Do not compare yourself to people who have more (aka go on Instagram and look at people’s perfect lives) or else you will dig yourself into a deeper and deeper hole.

If you’ve been feeling the need for a dose of motivation, look to someone who is achieving more than you in an area that is important to your self-identity (e.g., work, sports, etc.) to ignite your competitive spirit.

Igniting Social Comparison

Social comparisons are inevitable, but there are certain circumstances that prime social comparisons.

• The more similar the peer group, the more our comparative instincts kick into high gear. Therefore, friends can sometimes be our greatest points of social comparison because they are similar to us. Two of my best friends started off as “competitive threats.” The things that made us competitive – we were both hard-working, social, caring people who wanted to lead the team – also made us great friends

• The more important something is to your identity, the more likely you are to feel threatened and be motivated by competitive behavior. For example, I am not competitive about people’s artistic abilities compared to mine, because I do not value my artistic abilities. However, when it comes to work-ethic, leadership skills and fitness, I can be very competitive, because these are qualities that I hold close to my identity’’

• Scarcity drives competitive behavior. Since evolutionary times, scarcity drives animals and people to intensely compete for limited resources. Whenever there are a limited number of spots at a company or even in a Soul Cycle class, people are more likely to become competitive with one another

I’ve had many women confide in me that they feel guilty when they feel competitive with another woman (cue: classic Hollywood movie plot about one woman back-stabbing the other). However, many of these cases check all three criteria for circumstances that drive social comparison and therefore, these competitive feelings are normal and even expected! Studies have shown that when companies reassure women of their position in a company, the social comparison subsides. Women begin to support other women, even when those other women are potential stars.

Putting this into practice

Because those closest to us can serve as our most intense points of comparison, it is important to surround yourself with great people you want to emulate. For example, if your friends go to bed early to train for their marathon or study for their law school exam, you will likely do the same. But, if all your friends go drinking every weekend, you’re going to do the same. You’ll be sitting in bed Sunday seamlessing a burger, fries and Advil to recover from the night.

Ask yourself if the people you are surrounding yourself with are setting a good benchmark for you to compare yourself to (note: I am not suggesting you measure yourself by others’ standards, but social comparison is an innate tendency we have, so why not make sure your friends have good standards)

Power Dynamics

We’ve talked about social comparisons with those who are similar to us, but how does power – the amount of control one person has over another - impact social comparisons and interactions?

Power can have its benefits: If you feel you have power, even if you don’t actually possess power, you will be perceived as more competent. In a study, interviewers accepted 68% of the candidates primed with high-power, but only 26% of candidates primed with low-power. These results were replicated in written job applications. Therefore, when you are primed with power, you display greater confidence and thus are viewed as more capable and confident.

However, power can have some drawback: Power increases the tendency for people to focus on their own perspective instead of others’ perspectives.

In a study, participants were asked to draw an E on their forehead. When primed with high-power, participants were 3x as likely to draw the E from their vantage point compared to those with low-power.

Unsurprisingly, power also makes people less likely to want to use condoms during sexual intercourse and more likely to have infidelity – both for women and men

Putting this into practice

 In situations where you want to come across as more capable and confident, prime yourself with a high-power mindset. High-power conditions can be created by (1) recalling a memory in which you had power (2) striking a power-pose with expansive postures, like sitting back in a chair, standing up straight or leaning forward on a desk or (3) listening to songs with strong, power beats and bass sounds like We Will Rock You and In Da Club.

To avoid the pitfalls of power, it is important to engage with other perspectives. Power paired with perspective-taking leads to stronger and more enduring kingdoms.