Mindfulness
“I began to wonder whether people were thinking at all. Decades of research later, I have found that the answer is a resounding NO. Mindlessness is pervasive” – Ellen Langer
In the last blog post, we discussed how the mind creates habits to save time and energy in processing many stimuli; with habits, every time the brain experiences a cue, it employs the same routine. But, recently, a new movement around “mindfulness,” has emerged, which has put a new perspective on habits for me.
In asking friends what they thought mindfulness was, I heard: “living with intention”, “being responsive instead of reactive”, “being aware of your thoughts without getting caught up in them.” In other words, mindfulness is the antithesis of the habit loop. Every cue you receive, you don’t immediately jump into a routine – you determine how to respond based on your intentions and circumstances.
In today’s post, we’re going to talk about how you can use mindfulness to lead a more authentic life.
My people pleasing problem
I have always wanted to be perceived as a helpful, loving and giving person. Therefore, anytime someone would ask me for help, I would of course say “Yes.” I’ve edited countless resumes, prepared many people for job interviews and connected people with friends who could help them get jobs. And most of the time, these acts bring me lots of joy and they help me feel like I’m a helpful, loving and giving person.
However, I found myself sometimes becoming resentful after I helped someone. I read all these blogs “Top 10 Ways to be Happy, Top 10 Ways to be Successful, Top 10 Ways to be a Good Friend” and helping others always made these lists. So why was I becoming resentful and unhappy after helping people? What was wrong with me?
It’s because I was not taking into account the circumstances related to helping people. When I looked deeper at when I become resentful after helping others, it was due to one of two reasons:
When work was extremely busy, I felt drained, and then, if I helped someone, I would feel completely depleted. I would become resentful to whoever I helped because I now associated them with driving my feeling of depletion
When I did not particularly like a person and helped them and then they did not properly thank me, I would become resentful. I felt deprived of the reward that I deserved in my habit loop of helping people.
It took some mindfulness to realize what was driving my feelings of resentment. I cannot apply a general rule to my life – i.e., always help others. I need to consider the context. Now, when someone asks for help, I evaluate if I truly want to help them and if I have the capacity to do so. Then, I decide whether or not to help them.
In fact, this week, someone reached out to me and asked for help. I was busy at work, so I said I couldn’t help at this time. This seems insignificant to other people, but for me, this is a huge win in becoming more authentic. I am no longer determining my actions based on an absolute rule and in pursuit of achieving a “helpful, loving, giving” person status. I am evaluating whether I want to help based on context. In my mind, I am still a “helpful, loving and giving” person, but my perception of what I need to do to embody this has changed significantly. And in turn, I have become much happier, and in my opinion, more authentic.
Mindlessness
Before we get to mindfulness, it may be easier to first define mindlessness. You know the feeling – it’s when you just eat a whole bag of popcorn because it’s in front of you, you endlessly scroll through Instagram, you make assumptions about people based on their race, gender or sexuality and you go on dates because that’s what people in their 20s are supposed to do. You are simply reacting to cues without considering the context of the event – am I actually hungry? do I actually care what these people are posting about? what is this person actually like? do I even really want to be dating right now?
In one of my favorite studies, it is painfully clear how mindless we can be. Participants said one of three things while they were in line to use the Xerox machine (this study was conducted a long time ago!): (1) “Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine?”, (2) “Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine because I want to make copies?” and (3) “Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush.” The people in line were more compliant with the request when “because” was in the sentence – whether the reason was silly (option 2) or legitimate (option 3). People responded mindlessly, without considering what was actually said.
Mindlessness can also impact your self-image. When you mindlessly accept labels, you can erode your self-image. Another interesting study: In the first phase of a study, subjects were given a math problem to solve. Then, in the second phase, some participants were given the title “assistant” and others “boss” and they had to perform a task in line with their role. In the third phase, all participants returned to the same easy math problem. Those who had been made “assistants” now solved the problem only half as well as they originally had. These participants mindlessly allowed labels and stereotypes to impact their performance. I see so many of my amazing friends and family members mindlessly allow labels undermine their self-confidence and self-worth, instead of analyzing feedback and information in the context of an event.
Okay, on to the good stuff …
Mindfulness
Let’s say I agreed to pay you $1 for every activity you did today that you can list in 2 minutes. Grab a timer – how many did you get? Likely, you mentioned “eating breakfast”, “brushing your teeth”, “playing with your dog.” However, if you remove our normal categorization of events and break them down into more granular activities, you would have written “prepare breakfast”, “take the first bite of breakfast”, “take the second bite of breakfast”… etc. You would be becoming more mindful (and richer in this exercise!)
Unlike mindlessness, mindfulness is processing information considering the context. It’s about being able to make new categories and constantly modify the way you perceive the world. It’s about approaching experiences with a beginner’s mind – like a baby – so you can react to something based on the novelty of the circumstances, instead of using our past experience to immediately decide how to react.
It’s not assuming that everything is either “right or wrong”, “good or bad”, or “black” or “white”, but that the answer lies somewhere in between, depending on context. Below are some rules that people usually believe are absolutes, but in certain contexts are untrue.
When we are mindful, we are not tied to 1 characterization of ourselves and others. Instead of seeing someone only as impulsive, we can also see them as spontaneous. Instead of seeing someone only as rigid, we can see them as consistent. Instead of seeing someone as only overemotional, we can see them as intense. When we try out different perspectives, a wonderful thing happens – changes becomes easier because we are not clinging to steadfast rules.
No Frameworks, Just Studies
Given that mindfulness is about responding to each cue in the context, there are unfortunately no 2x2 or cycle frameworks (and you know I love my frameworks!), but I wanted to share some interesting studies on how being more mindful can help us in life.
Tools for Mindfulness
Meditation and yoga are always intertwined with the word “mindfulness.” While these are effective tools for some, they don’t work for me. I find that journaling every Sunday morning about the week helps me be more mindful about my true intentions. One of my friends lights a candle every morning to take a moment to reflect on how she wants to feel during the day. My trainer does breathing exercises every morning to align his mind and body and establish positivity for the day.
Habits vs Mindfulness
Humans only have so much energy and focus in a day. Therefore, I think it is still important to have habits that make expending effort easier. However, we must be more in tune to contexts where habits should not be followed.
So – here’s my ask
Thank you for everyone who responds to these posts – it means a lot to me! Please keep the feedback coming – what does and doesn’t resonate with you? What types of writing styles are most effective? And as always, I would love to hear your story on how you’re becoming more mindful – you can e-mail me at nicoleepollack@gmail.com
You can learn more about mindfulness here: