“If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person” – Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

In the last post, we talked about how individual (vs group) focused goals can conflict with deeper connections with others and subsequently may negatively impact physical and mental health. I’ve been thinking more about how society champions independence and individuality, especially for women. We are constantly being bombarded with messages about how we need to be “independent women” – those who do not need a partner to feel complete.

All my friends and I are “independent” – we support ourselves financially, manage our careers, build strong relationships with friends, love our families, workout and even while doing so, remember our friends’ birthdays. Yet, a substantial portion of my discussions with friends revolve around finding a life partner. Society tells us that wanting a partner “is sad and needy”, “means you don’t love yourself enough”, “should not fulfill you – happiness comes from within”, making us ashamed of our desire for deep romantic connection.

We’d all like to think that love is a magical potion that cannot be defined by the bounds of frameworks. However, the science around attachment theory can help you find love if you’re single or further your bond with your partner if you’re in a relationship.

We are programmed to depend on each other

Society tells us that depending on others is a terrible trait and requires us to do some personal growth and reflection. However, evolutionarily, those who were able to form deep connections with others were able to better protect themselves from predators. We are therefore programmed to develop interdependent relationships with loved ones to remain safe and protected. It always helps me to remember that these relationships are interdependent - we are not becoming completely dependent and losing ourselves in the relationship; in addition, our partner is also benefiting from the relationship – so we are not acting “needy” and “parasitic.”

What’s more interesting is that these interdependent connections allow us to reach our full potential in other areas, contrary to what many (including me) believe – e.g., I assumed that having a partner would divert my attention and desire to excel away from my career. We can see the benefits of interdependent connection play out in both babies and adults:

• In an experiment, babies were placed in a playroom with their mothers. While the mother was in the room, the baby was able to focus on playing. However, when the mother left the room, the baby became preoccupied about his/her mother’s whereabouts. Once the mother returned, the baby was able to redirect his/her attention to playing and exploring. By knowing that their caregiver – who provides security and love – is nearby, babies can focus on other tasks

• As we age, the support and security of a partner can help us excel in other areas of our life. In a study, when participants felt their goals were supposed by their partner, they reported an increase in self-esteem and elevated mood after discussing their personal goals. They also rated the likelihood of achieving their goals higher after the discussion vs before the discussion.

We’ve established that not only is dependency normal, but it’s dictated by our DNA. So now, how do you find your match?

Attachment Theory

Modern dating apps allow you to screen people based on their height, looks, education level, ethnicity, religion, etc. I think we should add a description about our attachment style; having our attachment style needs met in a relationship significantly impacts our satisfaction in the relationship.

Attachment theory states that people have different capacities for intimacy and closeness, which can be demonstrated through 3 main attachment styles.

Before jumping into the different attachment styles, let’s take a fun quiz. Only check the statement if it is true for you.

Add up your As: __, Bs ___, Cs___.

If you got mostly As, you have a primarily anxious attachment style (20% of the population)

If you got mostly Bs, you have a primarily secure attachment style (50% of the population)

If you got mostly Cs, you have a primarily avoidant attachment style (25% of the population)

The remaining part of the population is anxious -avoidant - they exhibit both “A”s and “C”s. This attachment style is very infrequent in the population, so we will not focus on it in today’s post.

So what do these different attachment styles mean?

The different attachment styles reflect different perspectives on the role of a partner and the relationship, intimacy and togetherness and disagreements. There is no gender skew in the different attachment styles (e.g., females are not more likely to have an anxious attachment style and males are not more likely to have an avoidant attachment style).

What’s interesting is that those with insecure attachment styles – anxious or avoidant – both have underlying fears related to not being loved, but it surfaces in different ways. Those with anxious attachment style fear that their partner will not love them and therefore cause them heartbreak. Those with avoidant attachment style fear that they will rely on their partner too much and when their partner leaves, it will cause them heartbreak. The similarities in insecure attachment styles are underscored by the fact that when those with avoidant attachment styles are faced with a stressful life event – e.g., divorce, disabled child, military trauma – they are quick to break down and behave like those with anxious attachment style. 

Finding your partner

Now that we understand our attachment styles, what kind of partner works best with our attachment style?

Those with a secure attachment style can have a satisfying relationship with those who have secure, avoidant or anxious attachment styles. Studies have shown that there in no difference in satisfaction between a relationship with two people who have secure attachment styles and a relationship with one person having a secure attachment style and one person having an insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment style. This means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.

It’s not hard to see that anxious-avoidant is a challenging combination – one partner needs and craves intimacy while the other spurns it, which leads to a roller-coaster of emotions. Let’s see how this plays out: The partner with anxious attachment style wants increased intimacy. The partner with the avoidant attachment style pulls away. The partner with the anxious attachment style uses protest behavior to re-engage their partner. The partner with the avoidant attachment style pulls away further, using distancing strategies, to re-establish his/her independence. Both partners attachment needs are not met, which negatively impacts how each partner feels about themselves and the extent to which each partner believes in his/herself.

So why do those with an anxious and avoidant attachment style pair up? It’s because the relationship dynamic confirms the identity that each has – the partner with the anxious attachment style believes that they are needy and their partner will not meet their needs, which happens when they date a partner with an avoidant attachment style. Partners with an avoidant attachment style believe they are independent and distancing themselves from their partner who needs them, re-affirms this self-belief. Also, because people with an avoidant attachment style reject intimacy, they tend to cycle through partners quicker and show up in the dating pool more often as potential partners for people with anxious attachment styles. Those with secure attachment styles are likely in relationships and Avoidant x Avoidant relationships are very uncommon because there isn’t enough connection to hold the relationship together.

What determines your attachment style?

Contrary to popular belief, your attachment style is not determined solely by your attachment with your caregiver as an infant. Attachment style is influenced by your temperament as a baby, maternal conditions – marital satisfaction, stress levels, level of social support –, hours with non-parental caregivers and your romantic partners. Your attachment style can change and 30% of the population has a different attachment style as a baby than as an adult, likely driven by romantic partners. If you have an insecure attachment style and date someone with a secure attachment style, you will develop a more secure attachment style. Vice-versa, if you have a secure attachment style and your partner has a strong insecure attachment style, you may develop a more insecure attachment style

Improving your relationships

One quote that really stuck with me through my research was “In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the others’ emotional well-being.” To me, what this means is that you are in touch with what you need to improve your emotional well-being (which is significantly influenced by your attachment style) and communicate these needs to your partner. Most importantly, you should not feel ashamed of your needs. And in return, your partner will communicate his/her needs and you will listen attentively to figure out how to make them feel better (which is significantly influenced by their attachment style)

In summary

Despite society telling us that happiness has to come from inside, human connection, especially romantic relationships, are one of the most rewarding human experiences. Therefore, we should strive to be in a true partnership and effectively communicate our attachment style needs.